The Following Year as a Surrogate.

After birthing a baby and passing her to her two fathers, something in me changed. Not only was this moment filled with so many emotions, I also felt an unreal connection to these amazing guys I had just met only a year ago! Watching them step into the roles of fatherhood made everything come together. We all stayed together for a week after birth, and honestly, this was the best thing I think we could have done. While my body was healing, my heart was filling! They were glowing as new parents! Fatherhood suits them! In this time, I was able to focus on what my body was needing to heal while at the same time getting the dopamine from holding and loving this little bundle I had just birthed. I wouldn't trade those days for anything. As our week was coming to an end, I had never felt better after birth. This was my third birth. I felt almost back to normal! My old coat was fitting me again, and I was finally able to eat a meat stick!! After parting ways, my life started to return to its same regular routine. Yet, somehow, things were very different for me. I couldn't explain it at the time, I just felt over whelmed with emotions and hormones, and couldn't figure out what was going on inside my head. As my body started to regulate, things started to become more clear. I now understand that with being a surrogate, you do give away a part of yourself. You give your love, your body, your mind (ever heard of pregnancy brain? It's a thing!), as well as your time. Not knowing what a pregnancy is going to be like, you always take the risk of being sick, or not fully capable of doing everyday things. This can take time away from your friends, and family. This is just a small part of what a surrogate gives. I, however, will always know this little person that will grow and do things, because I was able to share my body for a small blip of time. I always say, "It's pain with a purpose." It's definitely harder to live that in the moment, but I stand by it. Everything I went through, during and after the pregnancy, was temporary. While my physical body may be affected by it, it doesn't mean that it's forever.

We made plans to see each other again, and again. From picnics in the park, to meeting half way for day trips, to weekend get togethers, we have continued to have an amazing relationship. Being able to see and hold this little girl, as well as watch their family learn and grow together, has opened my eyes to so much in my own personal life. One year later, and things are regulating. My emotions. My body. My mind. All of the things that have been so scattered from the changes. Somehow, I feel that I have more love in my heart than I have ever had before. I find my self slowing down more, and taking the time to really enjoy more of the little moments with my kids. My relationship with my children has blossomed so much over this last year. I feel so much more connected to them, in so many different ways. I don't think that I truly appreciated what I had. Taking the time to slow down, and be in the moment, can really change the dynamic of a family. Life is busy, it's not for everyone, and that's okay! Every family looks, and acts, different. Personally, I need that one-on-one time. I need the slow and calm moments, filled with reading a book with my kids, or playing a board game together. These are the moments that really bring my family together. I find that, since my surrogacy journey, I'm seeking these moments out more often, and over all just really taking them in. I love being a part of the journey that my surrogate guys went through to start a family. Getting to watch this family grow together, and seeing this little one's personality grow and shine has been what has made everything worth it. As great as it has been, having my guys so close, that will be coming to an end soon. They will be returning to their home country in the near future. It's looking like our second journey is going to be a bit different. With flights being required to come together, it makes things a bit harder for quick visits. I'm looking forward to having longer visits when we do come together in the future. As nice as the overnights are, there is just never enough time. They are the kind of people that you always want to be around. When we have a planned visit, the anticipation for them to arrive fills me with the same excitement that the tooth fairy brings to kids. "How close are they?" "How much longer will it take?" You know, all the questions that we used to drive the adults crazy with in the car. There... that's where I go... every single time! As the train or car pulls up, I feel that child-like excitement kick in, every time! We will be just as excited waiting for their plane to land in the future. My husband says that he can see the difference in me when they're around and after they have left. If we had been going through anything stressful beforehand, after talking with them, or just being around them, I'm more at peace. It's almost healing, or recharging, if you will. This is only the beginning of an incredible story. A sibling journey is in the works, and we have life long friendships to build on.